Own Your Mental Health
I want to start this piece by saying that I’m really pleased to be given the opportunity to write and distribute my experiences and thoughts on what was a really tough time in my life. I’ve been truly honest, and some of this is hard to tell, but I don’t really see the point in watering the truth down. Instead of lingering on the dark days though, my aim in this article is to show that there are a lot of places to go and things to do if you ever are struggling with your mental health, and to tell you that it’s absolutely normal that you’ll experience low points in it. Talking about your feelings and issues is the most important thing you can do and is always the first step in recovery.
If you’re reading this and struggling please ask for help and recognise that there are things you can do to feel better. If you’re reading this and in a good place, reach out to that friend you haven’t heard from in a while, ask your friend who isn’t themselves what’s going on, and never be afraid to start what might be a difficult conversation with anyone you care about.
I’m proud that this BPSA Executive has spent time publicising the importance of talking about mental health, and has taken steps to try and reduce the stigma around it and I hope that in writing this I can contribute to that.
My story took place across several weeks, but I’ll start in late November 2019 for this...
To set the scene; I’m a pre-registration pharmacist working in a hospital trust in the North of England, and things have been going pretty badly:
I’d just gone through a breakup. It was a pretty amicable one but the first proper break up for me and I hadn’t really worked out how to process and move on from that yet.
I had been turned down after interviews for the trust I was doing pre-reg with and for a graduate scheme in industry I really had my heart set on; leaving me without any idea what to do next.
On top of that I was firmly in the middle of what I’m calling the ‘pre-reg wobble.’ I think most pre-regs go through this, but it’s not really talked about.
There are a lot of factors in this; a new environment, a change in routine, the responsibility, pressures and difficulty that jobs in healthcare inevitably bring, the thought of having to secure a job after qualification and gaining the competencies and passing the exam are just a few. But this cocktail of challenges quite often presents as self-doubt, burnout, stress and anxiety.
All of this happened to me in a pretty short space of time and had left me at a point where I had no idea what to do, where to do it and who to do it with, and this led me into low self-esteem and depression.
Everyone describes and experiences depression differently, whether it be the ‘black dog’, ‘a force pulling you down’ or a ‘dark filter’ always with you. I see mine as a bubble. I’m inside the bubble and nothing from the outside can get in, that applies to good things and bad things usually, and presents as disinterest and not caring about my actions (pretty common in depression). Things that I normally enjoy had no effect on me and I didn’t really care about the consequences of my actions. I started to be late for work, stopped doing most of the things I normally do and pushed away a lot of friends and family. Even with the few friends I still spoke with, I didn’t really feel comfortable telling them how low I was feeling.
This spiralled into December, and I was basically feeling like each day was just the same and not enjoying anything. I found my mind racing at work, meaning I wasn’t making the most of pre-reg and not being able to focus on my tasks. I also couldn’t sleep at night as I couldn’t switch off, which contributed to a cycle of being even more tired and inattentive during the day.
Everything seemed to be against me at that point, I was convinced I was taking bad luck everywhere I went and could only see negatives in my life. I never got close to doing anything to hurt myself, but I definitely had thoughts about it. My lowest ebb was driving to the coast in the pitch black and standing on the beach in the rain and wind at 10pm, wondering if it was worth carrying on. Again I never got close to doing it, but the thought of just walking into the sea to get away from it all was there. I ended up back in my car and phoned a good friend who managed to calm me down and help me to see sense (I’ll be forever grateful for that) and promised myself that this would be the turning point and to go and get help.
I opened up to my family and told them how I was feeling in the next few days; they were really supportive and understanding and wanted to help in whatever way they could. It’s really hard having that conversation, but it was a huge step in me accepting and owning my mental health, and I really wish I’d done it sooner. Telling people close to you that you feel ‘depressed’ shouldn’t be as taboo as it is; it’s totally normal to sometimes feel down about your situation, especially in times of stress or change, and they’re the people that can help you feel better on the other side.
I also got a GP appointment. She explained that how I was feeling wasn’t unusual but also helped me get a bit of perspective on the situation. She told me that the best things to do were some sort of aerobic exercise and getting back into a hobby/ies I enjoyed. She didn’t recommend antidepressants to me even though that’s what I was expecting, and I’m really pleased that she gave me some lifestyle advice instead because that was much more appropriate (for me personally) in the long term. I was referred to the county’s mental health service and am now attending some group classes on mental health awareness.
The other big help was telephoning Pharmacist Support. They’re a great charity but are still not recognised by a number of pharmacists, pre-regs and students. They can help with a load of problems, both professional and personal and they did make a massive difference to me. I rang their Listening Friends number in the car park of my GP’s practice after my appointment and explained my situation. They were really friendly and supportive on the phone and gave me a listening friend appointment. This is a service in which a trained volunteer speaks to you about whatever you need help with and give their support, advice and counselling to you over the phone. I had a couple of chats with my listening friend, and this helped me to get a lot more perspective on what I wanted from my career, how to go about it, and how a couple of rejections really isn’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of a career, especially 5 months into pre-reg! We also had the chance to speak about the interviews I had coming up, prepare for their questions and think about exactly what I wanted from my foundation pharmacist role.
I started going to the gym as the GP recommended. It helps to take your mind off whatever is troubling you, raises your self-esteem, gives you challenges to aim for and break, as well as improving general fitness, which is a win-win situation really!
Meditation and mindfulness were good strategies for me too. Doing a daily 10 or 15 minutes is a good way of having time out and taking your mind off things. It also helps you to control your thoughts and stop your mind racing. You won’t get results overnight and it can be difficult to do if you’re a beginner but with a bit of patience and dedication you’ll notice the difference. I use the ‘Headspace’ app, which has guided meditations and is good for beginners as well as experienced users. It’s got a few different courses depending on what you want to improve and also has a selection of ‘sleepcasts’, which help to occupy your mind while you fall asleep instead of worrying about things.
My final piece of advice is just to do things you enjoy and give yourself things to look forward to. Possibly the worst thing about being depressed is being withdrawn from the people you care about and activities you enjoy doing. It can feel like a massive step, but you won’t regret getting back to those things! I booked myself a trip to Austria with my friends (check out the AFOP Ball in Vienna each January) and made an effort to catch up with my friends from home and university.
Even with all of this in place it still took me a while to recover, in fact I still am recovering. It’s important not to expect things to right themselves immediately, but seeing yourself get a bit better every day or week is actually really nice. As well as that, it’s amazing how your luck seems to change when you’re feeling a bit more positive. I was enjoying my pre-reg rotations, got the last car park space at work a few times and amazingly Newcastle United even started winning!
Now in Mid-May things are much better. I have a great band 6 lined up for next year at a really good trust (which I can’t wait to start - pre-reg situation dependent), I’m getting loads more out of pre-reg, am really invested in becoming a pharmacist again, and have a much more positive attitude on everything. Of course, I still have good days and bad days, but the bad days are less frequent, and I now recognise when they happen and have strategies to deal with them.
Drawing a simple conclusion from this is hard, but for anyone in a similar position I’d give these 3 bits of advice:
Remember that things will eventually get better if you let them
The world can seem against you, but you can look for positives. And once you start to feel better the negatives will seem less pressing and much more infrequent.
Always ask for help if you need it
Who you go to is totally up to you and your situation, but don’t suffer in silence. There are loads of options! Your friends and family are great, but an anonymous conversation with Pharmacist Support, MIND, or CALM can be a lot less daunting. Your GP is also a good place if you think you need treatment or counselling. The NHS’s ‘Improving Access to Psychological Therapies’ (IAPT) is another really good resource. It is a database of support services with a search function for your local area, and also has the capacity for self-referral for those unable to access their GP.
Own your OWN mental health
It’s your own mind and you know it better than anyone so don’t compare yourself to anyone else or their situation. Take time to think about how you’re feeling, recognise what’s normal for you, know your triggers and symptoms and have steps to take when they happen.
I don’t know how many people will read this (especially all the way through), but if this helps even one person to talk about their mental health then it will have been a worthwhile exercise.
Useful resources if your struggling with your own mental health:
Pharmacist Support - Email: www.info@pharmacistsupport.org Tel: 0808 1682233 - @pharmasupport
Samaritans - tel: 116 123
MIND - 0300 123 3393
CALM - 0800 585858 - (Webchat also available)
IAPT - Available on the NHS Website
