My Experience with Anxiety
As part of our Mental Health Campaign this month, the BPSA is encouraging its members to share their stories to help eliminate the stigmas around mental health and shed a light on the issues faced by pharmacy students today. One of our executive members, Joanna McDowall, shares her story with anxiety below.
From a young age, I’ve suffered severely from stress. I would worry about school tests and exams, but it all seemed normal to me as it was pinned all over the school that it’s normal to be stressed. Four weeks ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety and was told it’s been stuck around with me for years. I have been majorly struggling with COVID-19 and lockdown, which started this spell of anxiety that led me to seek help. I was told that COVID-19 has heightened my panic attacks and unhealthy coping mechanisms but wasn’t the root cause – being overly stressed in school was.
Anxiety is highly stigmatised especially around depression and it’s extremely important to note, that while the two are closely linked, they’re very much different. Trying to explain to close friends that I’m not depressed, I just really struggle with the anxieties that occur outside of my flat door, is extremely hard. Or having the characteristic response of “I get stressed sometimes too”. The distinction between the two is hard to explain as there are many situations in which the two overlap, but many instances where they don’t. I love my life; I love everything that I do but the fear of stepping outside my door is what’s currently preventing me from moving on with my life.
While I’m aware of stress with exams, there are plenty more factors that trigger my anxiety that can range from miniscule things like how a drive will go to major things like job interviews. I didn’t fully realise how many little things can form a giant mountain to overcome, however, this is evident in some of my unhealthy coping mechanisms. My worst coping mechanisms can range from pulling my hair out, biting my nails till they are nothing, and picking at my lips, leaving them bruised and sore.
My anxiety has taken a massive toll on my university work. I get worried I’m falling behind before work is even released. To counteract this, I study more, but in turn, this just ends up tiring me out, forcing me to push myself to get this week’s work done and nothing else. When you have a voice in your head constantly reminding you that work is never done, you feel a need to keep going, forgetting everything else that you enjoy just to get that voice to go away. There comes a point that I realise, no matter what I do, that voice will always be there so why am I forcing myself to overwork if I’m going to worry regardless? Taking time for myself is hard when you know you have university work but even if I’m watching one episode of my favourite show just to take a breather, it helps.
I started with a wellbeing counsellor four weeks ago, who tried giving me some coping mechanisms to try; these techniques focus on preventing a panic attack, which has become a major part of my everyday routine. I’m not going to pretend they always work, because they don’t, but they definitely help me take my mind off of things and regulate my breathing.
My journey isn’t finished. My walk with anxiety is a long one and I’m completely aware of that but every small step makes a difference in my mind. Every little victory I manage to make seems massive. Small victories are one step closer to getting to where I want to be, big things don’t happen overnight, so I find appreciating my little victories pushes me enough to try for the next victory. My aim of sharing my story is to encourage others to reach out for help and show there’s no shame in admitting you need help. Admitting you need help is one of the hardest things I did, but it allowed me to take the step forward that I needed.
